Ritual

This is more than just a cup of coffee...

A Letter To My Oldest Son

My dearest child,

I don't know why I thought about you today. But you were there, tugging at my mind; a phantom pain easing your way into my heart again. I still see your face as I had first imagined it to be; blonde hair and brown eyes, a dimple in your cheek. Just a little boy who loves his mama so much. This saddens me because you would almost be a man now. 

I wonder what life would have been like for you, for me, if things had been different. The hardest part of it all is that I blame myself. Despite the fact that it wasn't my fault, I still blame me for you not being here. Everyone said it was for the best. You would have had to suffer the way I did, had you been born. They're probably right. It doesn't ease the pain though.

You were the first; you will always be the first. The first heartbeat, the first miracle. The first child I carried even though for only such a short time. You are also the first loss. I never got to hold you in my arms. Would you have looked the way I had imagined?

I still see your face; every time I look at Ty. I know you are in there somewhere. He is who you were supposed to be. The blonde haired, brown eyed little boy who loves his mama so much. He will never replace you; no one could do that. But part of me feels that he is my second chance to be your mom. And for that I will always be grateful.

So now what

Don't worry, you're not lost.

Ranting feels so good

Update at the bottom

Ok, I either I need some serious enlightenment or a certain teacher at the middle school needs a swift kick in the ass. Now I understand that having a kid in school is going to cost money, and I know that the cost increases during middle school and then high school. But damn, when is it too much? On top of the almost $250 I spent on school supplies and clothes for both boys, I have had to pay for a locker (even though I paid for a locker last year and it's not like the lockers get torn up), science fees, and I will have to pay double for gym clothes since the price for a single pair of shorts is twice what I could pay at Walmart (if Walmart had the shorts in the color we need, it would be fine but they don't) 


But this newest fee really has me pissed off.


We have to pay for the required workbook for math. By required I mean that all of his homework and classwork assignments will be coming out of this book. Without this book, he will fail the class. His teacher refuses to give him the book until he pays the fee. She will not take partial payments and even though the fee is not too expensive, I am pissed that he can't even have the book until it is paid.


By refusing to give him the book, this teacher is jeopardizing my child's education. This is wrong, please tell me that there is something wrong with this. 


What has our educational system come to? I feel like pretty soon, you will have to pay for your kids to take classes in public schools.


UPDATE: I went to the school and had a long talk with the principal. I told her that I was not going to allow them to ruin my son's grade because he couldn't pay for the book and to be told he couldn't have the book until he paid for it was very wrong. She agreed that we could make payments on the workbook and that D would be given the book today in class. I gave her a little money and got a receipt.


Score one for the mom! *does happy victory dance*

Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

I know that we have a long relationship. You have been my constant companion since I was 16. I cannot count the number of nights I have spent with you by my side. 

I will admit that we have had some good times; that 2 week stint of straight writing was great. And I know you are unhappy about all of the times I have tried to get rid of you; I was only following the doctor's orders. But my dear insomnia, we need to break up.

I could go on about how it isn't you it's me; I just really need some sleep. But it is you. You are the reason I only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night. You, who thinks that staring at the dark ceiling is such joyous fun.

I know that when my boys were babies, you were a blessing. But they are not babies anymore and sleep through the night; so why can't I?

I understand that reading this will be painful and that you will try to beg me to take you back. But that is something that I can't do. Please collect your things and leave your key under the mat. And do not call me repeatedly, especially in the middle of the night.

Good luck and I hope that you find someone else who makes you happy. (though I do not wish you on anyone)

Sincerely,

Me